Trust, Control and being a Dad

A constant factor of being a parent is understanding your kids maturity level enough to be able to discern the amount of independence you grant them. For example, an 18 month-old who's just started walking certainly isn't mature enough to realize the danger of walking across the street without guidance, but a 6-year-old likely is. That stuff is pretty easy to figure out for most parents, we simply call it common sense.

As kids get older, though, the level of discernment needed is greater, AND we have to be letting go of our own desires for our kids; the control. That's a little harder.

It's been said that if you have the power to destroy something, you have control over it. Thinking about that for a minute in human relationships, the power to destroy is given by trust. As we divulge more and more intimate details of ourselves to another, we're also extending more trust. Reciprocal trust is relationship, and the control is cancelled out by mutual maturity.

As a parent, we start out the complete trust of our kids. As they grow, we have to reciprocate that trust depending on their maturity level. We yearn to turn our kids free, to see them succeed, flourish, stumble, learn, grow... but they won't get there unless we do this job well, unless we give them the tools and the freedom to make their own choices, and let them suffer the consequences of their choices so they can learn - and ultimately learn to own their own lives. Lots of cultural and sociological pressure is against that, though.

All that said brings me to today's challenge as a Dad. Today, I got an email from my son's school that he has neglected to turn in several assignments. It's been explained to him in the past, and enforced, that his time is his to own. We will help him organize his time and schedule IF he asks for it, but ultimately, it's his responsibility to decide what to do with his time. We've set the expectation that he will do his work and should he fail to do his work, he will suffer the consequences of losing that freedom. So, I informed him tonight that he's lost his freedom for Halloween - a night he's been looking forward to for weeks. I took away trust, and exerted control.

Damn, that was hard.

Happy Birthday, Nick

Fourteen years ago today the young man you see here (getting a secret told to him by his baby cousin :)) came into my life. The journey of parenting has thus far been both the most difficult and rewarding of my life. I've shed more tears than I can count, been frustrated and angry, been bursting with pride, and am still continually amazed at how much love I have for this child.

He was born into a troubled marriage that did not last past his third birthday. He's lived in several places, went to several schools, and has had several parental figures come in and out of his short life. He's dealt with new life, death, divorce, and known failure. He's also known success, forgiveness, grace, and peace. That's a lot for a fourteen-year-old who'd really rather pick up his dad's guitar and play 'Kryptonite' or plop down on the floor next to his dog and play something on the Playstation.

He's brilliant, clever, fun, sarcastic, energetic and has a giant heart. He loves to play basketball and skateboard, almost as much as he loves his dog. He loves his family, in spite of it all. He's a loyal friend, and a peacemaker. He tries hard to please, and surprises us with the good choices he makes. He does his work, sometimes with a little prodding from my wife and/or myself, but almost always with a great attitude. He loves music, taking up clarinet and guitar. He loves to draw and to create. And he's good.

He hates school. (we're working on that :) )

I'm sorry, son, for the bad things I've put you through. I love you and I'm so very proud of you. You're a great kid, and I wish I could put into words how much I love you and how much hope I have for your future.

God be with you, Nicholas, as you turn this page on your life.